The secrets of long-lasting happy relationships are:
- Building a climate of practicing kindness, generosity, friendship, joy, love, trust & intimacy;
- Honoring the “bids” meaning the requests for connection, requests for a response, sign of interest and support, when hoping to connect, however momentary;
- Responding to “bids” by turning toward the partner;
- The partner recognizes the “bid” and respects that by engaging, showing interest & support;
- Each partner meets their partner momentary emotional need;
- Scanning environment for things they can appreciate and can say thank you for;
- Building a culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully;
- Scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right;
- Managing not to miss more than 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing;
- Responding to “bids” by showing they are there, showing to the partner that he or she is valued;
- Kindness glues the couple together;
- They build an environment of kindness and emotional stability;
- They show each other through kindness that each partner is cared for, understood, and validated—feels loved;
- They know and act upon the knowledge that ” when someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship”;
- The partners consider kindness as a muscle. They exercise this muscle to keep it in shape;
- Partners know that good relationship requires sustained hard work;
- They treasure the development and expression of a generous spirit. They express this generous spirit a lot and let it come in when a partner makes a bid so that they can turn toward their partner;
- They enhance small moments of emotional connection and therefore constantly gently empowering the relationship;
- The partners practice kindness in hard times and during a fight—they consider that this is the most important time to be kind;
- The partners express negative emotions in a kind way;
- The partners consider that if you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often and built kindness into the very backbone of a relationship;
- The partners practice kindness by being generous about partner’s intentions;
- The partners practice having an ability to kindly interpret partner’s actions and intentions charitably and they soften the sharp edge of conflict.
- Partners appreciate the intent of the other partner to do the things right even if they have executed it poorly;
- Partners practice another powerful kindness strategy revolved around shared joy.
- Partners show that they are there for each other when things go right. They think shared joy is actually more important for relationship quality. They respond with joy to the partner’s good news.
- Finally, there’s active constructive responding. If her partner responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly with her: “That’s great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call you? What classes will you take the first semester?"
“Active constructive responding is the kindest. Active constructive responding allows the partner to savor her joy and gives the couple an opportunity to bond over the good news. In the parlance of the Gottmans, active constructive responding is a way of “turning toward" your partners bid (sharing the good news). Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together. The spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.
Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together. The spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.”
The secret of a long-lasting happy relationship, proved by science, is that a lasting relationship comes down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity.